DEAD THOUGHTS – Under 2 minute monologue for actors

I had a re-e-eally weird dream the other night. I was lying in a casket—dead, of course—but in a nicely appointed room with all the flowers I like. My dress and hair were perfect, and friends and family were there…

But here’s the weird part: there was this banner…above the casket. And it read: “Here Lies Snarky Bitch”

And everyone was going like this (nods her head up and down). But not one person was doing this (nods her head side to side) not one!

It was like a bobblehead convention!

I woke up startled. Lying there, shocked I asked myself …why would anyone call me “a snar…….. (she drifts off a bit and whispers) ky bitch” And then I started to think about my life and some of those knee jerk “snarky bitch” moments and—ohhh…yeah. There was the New York cab driver thinking his way was better than mine…okay, and the (grumbling) bitch at the DMV.

And then, one by one, the people I had no patience with, showed no consideration for, never meant to hurt, started to come to mind.

(almost ready to cry) and I made a decision to change. Read up on it… and learned to count to 10 before I mouthed off.

So, I did. It’s working!

Yesterday I counted to 10… 23 times (bares her fangs)

(she muses out loud) Wait. Shakespeare said it all. “Glamis thou art and Cawdor too…Yet I do fear thou lack the milk of human kindness.”

(sudden realization)

That’s it! I guess I just sometimes “lack the milk of human kindness”. Now don’t judge me, please… hey! I’m a work in progress, right?